Sleep deprivation. It’s an odd talent, but I wield the power
of sleep deprivation. Whenever I want to get up early to work, while it’s
quiet, no one in the house is able to sleep. Not a single person. I have that
power.
“Mom, I can’t sleep. Why are you
up? Will you tuck me in, again?”
Child, go back to bed.
“Mom? Are you up? He woke me up and I can’t go back to sleep.”
Deadlines! I have deadlines!
Child, go back to bed.
“Mom? Are you up? He woke me up and I can’t go back to sleep.”
Deadlines! I have deadlines!
I can also slow down time—or, stop it completely. When I
tell the kids to clean their rooms, time actually stands still, because there
are no outward signs of motion or life:
Clean
your room. Let’s see some progress.
“But it’ll take for-ev-er!”
No kidding.
“But it’ll take for-ev-er!”
No kidding.
I control chaos and violence, and can unleash it by the
simple act of stepping into the bathroom:
“MOOOOOOOOM! HE WON’T SHARE!! ARE
YOU IN THE SHOWER?! WHERE ARE YOU????”
“SHE STOLE MY GUMMIES!!”
“STOP HITTING ME!”
“MOM, SHE’S LYING!!”
“OWWWWW!!”
“SHE STOLE MY GUMMIES!!”
“STOP HITTING ME!”
“MOM, SHE’S LYING!!”
“OWWWWW!!”
I also have the power to empty minds and delete powerful
memories:
Where’s
your lunch bag?
“I forgot it at home.”
“I forgot it at home.”
Where’s
your lunch bag?
“I forgot it at school.”
“I forgot it at school.”
“I need a Greek costume today for
school!”
Today?! When did they tell you needed a costume??
“I forget.”
Today?! When did they tell you needed a costume??
“I forget.”
Did you know that I can teleport items?
“Mom, I can’t find my shoes!! Wait,
how did they get here?”
… or, I can choose to make them disappear altogether:
“I’ve looked everywhere! Pink Bear
is GONE, and I’ll never find him!!”
Not to brag, but I also command a legion of zombies who will
only do my bidding. It’s true—they have no original thought of their own:
Hon,
did you pick up more milk on your way home?
“No, you didn’t tell me to.”
“No, you didn’t tell me to.”
Did
you practice trombone today, Sweetie?
“You didn’t tell me to.”
“You didn’t tell me to.”
It’s
10 o’clock at night. Why are you still up, and eating cookies?
“You said we could have dessert.”
“You said we could have dessert.”
As if these powers weren’t enough, I’m able to communicate
beyond the range of human hearing. Sort of like a whale:
It’s time to turn off the TV. Turn it off. Hellooooo? Can anybody hear
me?
My new abilities are
astounding. But at times they weigh heavily on me—more like a curse. It’s at those
moments I’d give anything to be just an average mom.