...I get for work and home

Q: Can you make this article shorter/longer/more peppy/more serious/more technical/more user friendly?
A: All things are possible, if the check will clear.

Q: Have you done this sort of thing before?
A: Yes, assuming the affirmative makes me sound experienced, not desperate.

Q: Did you mean to do this?
A: That depends entirely on whether "this" is a good thing I will get credit for, or a bad thing I will be blamed for. 

Q: Can we have this by tomorrow? 
A: Yes. The answer will usually be "yes."

Q: Why do we have to take a bath tonight?
A: I can smell you from here.

Q: Why do we have to go to school?
A: I’m afraid to home school you. Especially if you don’t want to bathe.

Q: Do I have to?
A: Yes. The answer will always be "yes."

Q: What's that smell?
A: That’s your fish tank. Which you do not clean. Holding the fish you wanted, but do not feed. Or, it could be your unwashed sibling.

Q: Where are my shoes?
A: Today we will go "shoe free." Get in the car. Seriously. Now. It is so friggin' late. How did it get so late?!

Q: Why do you like watching hockey?
A: There are many people I would like to beat with a large stick, but I have to enjoy it vicariously. 

Q: How long do you want to live?
A: Child, why do you keep asking me that? I'm trying not to be paranoid, but I don't think that should be a Frequently Asked Question.