Rescue Pets

Who, me?

When I reach the checkout counter at the pet store, they usually ask would I like to donate a few dollars to rescue animals? This makes me want to ask, "Would you like to know how many times today I already rescued my cat--from herself?"

A typical morning goes something like this: Darling kitty tries to swallow a crinkly cough drop wrapper, but at the last possible second I pull the slimey thing from her gullet. Then, a freak desire to dash into the garage and mew at me from under my car drives her to race through the gap of the closing kitchen door, which bounces off her ribcage, neck, or head. A beautiful anthurium bouquet arrives in the mail, but must be promptly folded into a terrarium so that kitty can't poison herself by eating it. Cleaning agents are immediately rinsed out or off to prevent death when kitty licks the tub/drinks out of the toilet/insert gross behavior here. Why is there a panoply of couch cushions on top of the bookcase? Why, to prevent kitty from scaling the bookcase and faceplanting (again) off the top. Bedtime, too, involves precautions: solitary confinement in the bathroom so she won't try to disembowel her brother in the wee hours. Again.

Rescue more pets? I have a full-time job keeping one furball alive.

Spam-to-English Translator

Spam subject lines: they're supposed to tease you into opening an email, and then you're hooked. Or hacked. So, if you're unsure whether to open that spam, here's a handy Spam-to-English Translator—a feature not yet available even from Google Translate—to tell you what those subject lines really mean for you. 

Mrs Gwen Lessey can meet with you TONIGHT = Mrs Gwen Lessey needs to meet first with your credit card

Just sent you a pic = I know it looks like a virus but open it, anyway

Meet quality Christian singles = High-quality Christian singles will cost extra

You may qualify for federal grant money = Probably you will not qualify for federal grant money, but we'll collect your info for free 

Exclusive 15% off for members only = Not a member? You will spend more in lost time deleting these emails than you could possibly save in becoming a member 

Substantial cash settlement = For our lawyers

Weight loss experts can't believe this = Because it doesn't effin' work—that's why no one believes it

Never pay for auto repair bills again = Sell your car

Are you an Xbox fan? = Yeah, me neither

i've been a bad girl and i have the pics to prove it = They're sort of dark and grainy so you'll have to take my word for it. But send your payment to PayPal now, please

Want an iPad? Claim yours after completing this survey = Receive your free iPad sometime after hell freezes over

Can this 10 second trick prevent your next heart attack? = This 10-second trick will give us your browser info, not prevent heart attacks. Stop smoking already!

Winner Search alert. Are you a winner? = You are not a winner if you're reading this spam. False alert

Restore youthful hair = Who knew youthful hair needed restoration? This product doesn't do anything

Powerful anti-aging techniques = This product will kill you

Protect your home and save money now = by deleting this spam

Tax problems? = They will only get worse if you reply to this email

Miracle phytoceramides = Sounds like a porcelain countertop made out of plant molecules, which is, itself, a miracle

You are invited to apply for a First Premier Bank MasterCard = You are invited to send us all relevant personal and financial information so that we may steal your identity and get your First Premier Bank MasterCard

Find love through faith at Christian Mingle = And by love, we mean fellowship. What were you thinking?

Less time searching—more time getting laid = We're not Christian Mingle, but the Bad Girl With Pics to Prove It may be up for something expensive

Save up to 70% on quality term life insurance = Save 100% by deleting this email!

Cheap cable packages = 100 channels in languages you will never learn to speak

View singles in your area, free! = View old, doctored photos of people, and try to guess what they really look like now

#1 worst food for weight gain = Stuff with calories

Walk in bathtubs—ease of use; peace of mind = Tubs not recommended for absent-minded folk on upper floors

Achieve smashing love force  = Not exactly sure what this means, but it seems to be "spam" run through Google Translator a few times

There. Now you're ready to clear out that inbox.