Spam
subject lines: they're supposed to tease you into opening an email, and then
you're hooked. Or hacked. So, if you're unsure whether to open that spam,
here's a handy Spam-to-English Translator—a feature not yet available even from
Google Translate—to tell you what those subject lines really mean for
you.
Mrs
Gwen Lessey can meet with you TONIGHT = Mrs Gwen
Lessey needs to meet first with your credit card
Just
sent you a pic = I know it looks like a virus but open
it, anyway
Meet
quality Christian singles = High-quality Christian
singles will cost extra
You
may qualify for federal grant money = Probably you
will not qualify for federal grant money, but we'll collect your info for free
Exclusive
15% off for members only = Not a member? You will
spend more in lost time deleting these emails than you could possibly save in becoming a member
Substantial
cash settlement = For our lawyers
Weight
loss experts can't believe this = Because it doesn't
effin' work—that's why no one believes it
Never
pay for auto repair bills again = Sell your car
Are
you an Xbox fan? = Yeah, me neither
i've
been a bad girl and i have the pics to prove it = They're
sort of dark and grainy so you'll have to take my word for it. But send your
payment to PayPal now, please
Want
an iPad? Claim yours after completing this survey = Receive
your free iPad sometime after hell freezes over
Can
this 10 second trick prevent your next heart attack? = This
10-second trick will give us your browser info, not prevent heart attacks. Stop
smoking already!
Winner
Search alert. Are you a winner? = You are not a winner
if you're reading this spam. False alert
Restore
youthful hair = Who knew youthful hair needed
restoration? This product doesn't do anything
Powerful
anti-aging techniques = This product will kill you
Protect
your home and save money now = by deleting this spam
Tax
problems? = They will only get worse if you reply to this email
Miracle
phytoceramides = Sounds like a porcelain countertop made out of
plant molecules, which is, itself, a miracle
You
are invited to apply for a First Premier Bank MasterCard = You are invited to send us all relevant personal and
financial information so that we may steal your identity and get your First
Premier Bank MasterCard
Find
love through faith at Christian Mingle = And by love,
we mean fellowship. What were you thinking?
Less
time searching—more time getting laid = We're not
Christian Mingle, but the Bad Girl With Pics to Prove It may be up for
something expensive
Save
up to 70% on quality term life insurance = Save 100%
by deleting this email!
Cheap
cable packages = 100 channels in languages you will
never learn to speak
View
singles in your area, free! = View old, doctored photos of people, and try to guess what they really look like now
#1
worst food for weight gain = Stuff with calories
Walk
in bathtubs—ease of use; peace of mind = Tubs not
recommended for absent-minded folk on upper floors
Achieve
smashing love force = Not exactly sure what
this means, but it seems to be "spam" run through Google Translator a few times
There. Now you're ready to clear out that inbox.
